One-Liners

If I could have a rose for every time I thought of you, the world would be empty of them.
I asked for light, God gave me the sun; I asked for water, God gave me rain; I asked for happiness, God gave me you.
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol like some thinkle peep I am
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure
The funny thing about political jokes is that they often get elected.
The English don't actually like music, but they absolutely adore the noise it makes.
If God is your co pilot - switch seats
When life gives you lemons, find someone whose life is giving them vodka and have a party.
If your Christmas was half as good as mine, then I had twice the fun.
The elevator is out of whack; more whack is in order.
You have to maintain a healthy level of insanity to remain sane around here.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.
Harp players spend one half of their lives tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
If life throws you lemons, make lemonade!
If life throws you lemons, throw them back!
Reality is just an illusion due to a lack of alcohol.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.
I'm so far behind the 8-ball I can't even see the table
I'd play marbles, but I've lost mine
There has to be just more to it than this or tell me why do we exist
Some people have a way with words others erm.....thingy.......
Never knock on deaths door: Ring the door bell and run (he hates that)
A wolf in sheep's clothing needs help
Above all else: SKY
The game of catch has never been so fun - Inventor of the Hand Grenade
A fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing right
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one
I'm very repsonsible: whenever something goes worng they say I'm responsible
What did they go back to before they invented drawing boards?
It's all an illusion
Only a fool tests the depth of water with both feet
There will come a time when all of this is over; something else will grow and take its place
Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church
Discover A Lost Art - Play marbles
I'm so far behind I think I'm first
It may look like chaos, but that's just the theory
Better to be fooled by a kiss than kissed by a fool.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
Diplomat: One that can tell you to go to Hell in such a way that you actually look forwad to the trip.
E-mail signature suggestion: If you don't receive this mail then please reply and I'll re-send it.
If you think you're thinking outside the box, then the box must be bigger than you think it is.
War doesn't decide who's right, it decides who's left.
What one generation sees as a luxury, the next sees as a necessary.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
You laugh at me because I'm different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same.
There's no reason being the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.
There are three sides to every story, My side, your side and the truth.
Better to be approximately right then to be precisely wrong.
Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of.
Life has no rehearsals, only performances.
The only bad part of being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.
The grass may be greener on the other side, but it is just as hard to cut.
You know that you're getting old when the candles cost more then the cake.
There should be no passengers on spaceship earth, we are all crew.
You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the person next to you.
The best time to do something worthwhile is between yesterday and tomorrow.
Having children makes you no more a parent then having a piano makes you a pianist.
You don't need a weatherman to tell you which way the wind is blowing.
The years end is neither an end nor a beginning but merely a going on.
A specialist is one who knows more and more about less and less.
As the days lengthen the cold strengthen.
You can only be young once, but immature forever.
Age is in the mind, not in the calendar.
Money will buy a pretty good dog but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Those who give - receive.
The best way to stop smoking is to stop, no butts.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.
The more horsepower possessed by a car, the more horse sense is needed to drive it.
A lie is like a snowball; the further you throw it, the bigger it becomes.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs or cutting hair.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday - and all is well.
God must love the common man; he made so many of them.
The biggest liar in the world is 'they say'.
Marriage is like a kitchen table; it has four legs and no draws.
If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel - there must be a train coming.
You can kill an "-ist", but you can't destroy the "-ism".
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.
Stop telling God how big your storm is; instead tell the storm how big your God is.
The weathermen are saying that there's a front on the way we'll be glad to see the back of.
If it ain't fixed, fix it. Then you can break it and fix it again.
What's the point of having a plot if you don't lose it?
Did you know that 5/4 of the worlds population can't do fractions?
There are 3 types of people: those who can count and those who can't.
safety is no accident.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Local Area Network in Australia ... the LAN down under.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
The definition of a will?... (It's a dead giveaway).
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
A backward poet writes... inverse.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris... are in Seine.
There are 10 types of people ... those who know binary and those who don't.
A computer is a device for duplicating your mistakes - only faster.
Putting prepositions at the end of a sentence is a practice up with which we shall not put.
Don't worry if you don't know what eschatology is; it's not the end of the world.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Get the last word in: Apologise.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
My doctor gave me six months to live seven months ago, but as I did not pay the bill he gave me another six months.
I'm not as think as you confused I am.
It takes a disaster to make a woman out of a female.
I have a good memory; it's just very short.
No matter how busy I am, I'm never too busy to stop and complain about how busy I am.
Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today, for, if you like it, you can do it again tomorrow
Don't let yourself become the mouse or the cat will eat you
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them
My telephone is not your advertising medium. However, I'll gladly accept sales calls for a nominal charge of £1,000 per call. Thank you and have a nice day
If you visit me on the web, at least I won't have to make you a coffee!
Necessity is the mother of invention
Never assume. It makes an ASS of U and ME!
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
"There are two types of people. Those who divide people into two types, and those who don't." Get your mind round that one, and the whole world slots into place.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it still doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer; if it breaks, then it needed fixing anyway.
If it ain't broke, break it. Then you can fix it.
To expand your horizons you must be willing to lose sight of the shore.
Satisfying: The warm feeling engendered, for example, by seeing a traffic warden being given a parking ticket, or a double-glazing salesman getting an unwanted phone call.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
If it ain't broke, keep fixing it until it is.
Life is what is happening while you make other plans.
It's only paranoia if you THINK they're out to get you. Since they ARE out to get you, it's not paranoia and thus you're OK.
Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy: If you put a spoonful of wine into a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage into a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.
4th Law of Holes: If you expect to miss the holes that others have left in your path, stop looking back at the ones you just climbed out of.
3rd Law of Holes: If a subordinate digs a hole, never expect the boss to jump in with him.
2nd Law of Holes: If a boss digs himself into a hole, all his subordinates are expected to jump in with him.
1st Law of Holes: First step in getting out of the hole you dug for yourself is to stop digging.
Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
Show you care, then others will care for you.
A tree is judged by its fruits, not by its roots.
Don't ever slam a door - you might want to go back.
Judge a man by his questions rather then by his answers.
The Devil's boots don't creak.
All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
To do nothing is in everyone's power.
Much happiness is overlooked because it doesn't cost anything.
It is nice to be important but it is important to be nice.
A tax collector has got what it takes to take what you've got.
Never say what time you will be home - then you will never be late.
They who have health are rich and do not know it.
If money is the root of all evil, give me a cutting.
I'm just catching up with yesterday - by tomorrow I should be ready for today.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.
Marriage is like a kitchen table; it has four legs and no draws.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
It's a long road that has no turning.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Eat, drink and be merry, tomorrow ye diet.
If a soldier marches ten miles a day, he only moves two feet!
If you're driving, don't forget to take the car.
Truth is as clear as a bell, but it isn't always tolled.
One day, these will be the good old days.
Luck always seems to be against those who depend on it.
Good fences make good neighbours.
If you can't see the light at end of the tunnel - there must be a train coming.
Blessed is he who expects nothing - for he shall not be disappointed.
Judge each day not by the harvest, but the seeds you plant.
I like work, it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Old age is preferable to the alternative.
'Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.'
If you first and don't succeed, try doing it the way you were told.
Enjoy yourself - it's later than you think!
The best way to criticise the work of others is to do yours better.
Look at the world as a big fruitcake. It wouldn't be complete without a few nuts in it.
If you think nothing is impossible, try yawning with your mouth closed.
Nowadays the world revolves on its taxes.
Advertising is what tells us which luxuries we can do without.
If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep increasing the price of postage?
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point your way.
Drive with care, life has no spare.
No one is ever to old to learn, but many people keep putting it off anyway.
They who practise what they preach may have to put in some overtime.
It's nice to kiss the kids goodnight - if you don't mind waiting up for them.
You can't blame nudists for being the way they are. They were born that way.
If God lived on earth, they would throw stones at His windows too.
The best thing about the 'good old days' is that they are gone forever.
Retirement can be a great joy if you can figure out how to spend time without spending money.
It's better to remember a lady's birthday but forget her age.
This will be a better world when the power of love replaces the love of power.
Do it tomorrow! You've made enough mistakes today.
Do it now! Today will be yesterday tomorrow.
A racehorse is an animal that can take hundreds of people for a ride - all at the same time.
A lock only keeps an honest man out.
The New Year gives people a fresh start on their old habits.
If you put a spoonful of wine into a barrel of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage into a barrel of wine, you get sewage...
It will go wrong when you least expect it to.
Just when it couldn't possibly go wrong, it goes wrong.
It will never go wrong when you're trying to make it go wrong. Or, it will go wrong at the most unexpected and undesirable moment.
If you didn't think it went wrong, it will be too late when you discover otherwise.
If at first you don't succeed, you're fired.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Every solution breeds new problems.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If anything does go wrong, there will always be someone who knew it would.
Everything takes longer than you think. See Hofstadter's Law.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Hofstadter's Law: It will always take longer than you expect, even if you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Do it the quick way. Then you get to rewrite it in a year's time.
When you say that something is too good to be true, it is.
The length of time taken by a committee to reach a decision is directly proportional to the number of people on it raised to the power of itself.
The probability of making the wrong decision is directly proportional to the length of time taken to make it.
The phone call you have been waiting in all day for will come when you go out for 2 minutes just to put the rubbish out.
Just when things couldn't possibly get worse they suddenly do.
You will not be interrupted until you start to do something (Or, if you could have been interrupted at a worse moment then you would have been interrupted then).
Constants aren't, variables won't.
If anything could have chosen a worse time to go wrong then it would have gone wrong then.
Whenever anything needs to be done, there is always something else that must be done beforehand. Before that, something else will need to be done, and before that......
The chances that bread will fall to the floor butter side down are directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
A transistor protected by a fast-blowing fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
Relationships appear closer than they are.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours .... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
If Wall-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll pull you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke in the first place.
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're both OK now.
I was going to procrastinate today, but I think I'll leave that until tomorrow.
Your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace.
Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
There are two things I've learned: (1) There is a God, and (2), I'm not Him.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross.
Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
A girlfriend who wears beads is always one you can count on.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
A day without sunshine is like ..... night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
If a train stops at a train station, and a bus stops at a bus station, what happens at a workstation?
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do
Where there's a will, there's a won't
Never attribute to malice anything that can be adequately explained by stupidity
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red (Duh!)
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
Sea captains don't like crew cuts
Banning the bra was a big flop
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative
Remember when you put others in the dock that you will be there yourself one day
Problems that disappear on their own usually come back on their own
What's the point in having communication lines if they can't break down?
Viral marketing doesn't work - pass it on!
Change is inevitable. Progress is harder to come by.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
I'm not afraid of dying, but I don't want to be there when it happens.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If all is not lost, where is it?
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran or hot rice cereal.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's forget the whole thing".
Never argue with a fool - people might forget who's who.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
An expert is one who knows all the pitfalls on the route to the major disaster.
The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing (John Wimber).
An optimist can never be pleasantly surprised.
I graduated with A 4.0... blood alcohol level.
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.
The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.
This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Out of my mind... back in five minutes.
Normal people worry me.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
I just do what the voices inside my head tell me to do.
Life would be great if it weren't for people.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless.
You only go around once. You only go around once. You only go around once.
When the going gets tough, the tough have a little cry over in the corner.
Where there's smoke, there's dinner.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
No decision is a decision.
"No comment" is a comment.
The best vitamin for making friends is B1.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll still get run over if you just sit there.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
I am in shape; round is a shape.
Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.